Re-establishing My Relationship With Food

I have a love-hate relationship with food.

I love to eat, but hate to exercise. Wait...that's actually not true. I just don't exercise.

I love dessert, but hate that I have too much of it.

I love to binge on junk food, but hate the way I feel after. Honestly, it's kind of like a hangover after you've been clubbing all night. Not that I go clubbing any more, but you get the idea, right?

Mostly, though, I hate the way I feel about myself. About my body. The loathing I feel when I look at myself naked in the mirror. The despair I feel when I have to go up a size when trying on clothes, and the depression that weighs down on me as I walk out of the Ross, or the Kohl's or whatever department store I stepped into, empty-handed. It's enough to make one lose one's appetite, but the very next week, one (meaning me) is right back to the same destructive eating habits.

So...what's up with all of that?

I'm an introspective and self-analytical person by nature. I want to know why I act a certain way or behave in a certain manner. Am I overreacting to someone's comment on my Facebook post? Did I make the right decision when I signed myself up to tutor after school? Do I have the right qualities to be the department chair for my grade level at work? That's just a fraction of the self-analyses I do on a regular basis. Most of the time I figure it out and accept the situation and sometimes I adjust my behavior accordingly. I just haven't figured out my issue with food, especially junk food.

I have this photo of me as a baby eating an Oreo cookie. It's smeared everywhere; on my face, on my belly, on the high chair tray. And that's how I picture myself as I'm going through a binge. I have figured out that I am a stress eater - shit happens and food makes me feel better. It doesn't explain, though, why I feel the need to eat in between meals. Being the analytical person that I am, I started looking for patterns of behavior, and this is what I found:
              1. If I come home and don't follow my normal routine (doing chores, or relaxing by reading) I will turn on Netflix and binge.
              2. I'm more likely to binge on the days my husband is off of work (I'm off on weekends, he's off on Tuesday and Wednesday). **Note: I am not blaming him. I'm just more likely to binge, especially if we don't make any plans.
              3. If there is junk food in the house, I am very likely to eat it.

After all this analyzing, what I have come to realize is that I have to change the way I see food. You see, I am using food to fill a void. There is something missing in my life, and food is the way I feel better about myself.

No.

Food is the way I medicate myself.

I only feel better temporarily. Then I have to find something else to eat.

I. Am. Addicted. To. Food.

There. I've said it.

I have a good idea what is missing. In no particular order it's martial arts, working out at the gym and having a life.

So how do I make this transition in my relationship with my food?

First, I must view food as fuel, not medication. Wholesome (meaning homemade), nutritious food is essential to make a body run efficiently. Stuffing it with sugar and fat is not. As a teacher, I have one of the most stressful jobs on the planet, and I need to be on top of my game. Optimal fuel is imperative to counteracting stress. Which means I have to own my choices when it comes to food. Sure, I can have that A.1. Peppercorn Burger with bottomless steak fries and a salted caramel milkshake. If I'm okay with that, great! If not, then I may want to second-guess my choices.

Second, we all know that engaging in physical activity is good for us. It helps lubricate the joints, keeps us flexible, and makes us happier. It's practically a no-brainer. What if I don't alter my eating habits? Sure, I'll still be working off the junk food, but I'll have to work like a fanatic at the beginning in order to see any results. Any good trainer will tell you that to achieve optimal results QUICKER, a proper diet in combination with exercise is the way to go.

Finally, I am in need of a life. Right now, my life consists of work - teaching during the week, working on lesson plans on the weekend, and doing housework when my husband isn't home. Work, work, work. How did my life get this way? One word: balance. I am so scared of living a chaotic life. A place for everything, and everything in its place is my motto. I was home sick today and I stayed home sick yesterday, too. While I was home, I watched movies all day, and one of the films I watched was Eat Pray Love (if you haven't seen it, you must, but to really experience Liz Gilbert's journey, read the book!). I am reminded of the scene where Liz (played by the lovely Julia Roberts) tells the medicine man she's in Bali to learn from that she broke it off with Felipe (her love interest, played by the dreamy Javier Bardem...yum!). The medicine man, whose name is Ketut, tells Liz that "to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life". How I interpreted that was: you have to make room for fun in your life, and everything does not have to be perfect. Control is good. Discipline is good, but not to the exclusion of everything else. So what if instead of cleaning the bathroom, I go watch a movie with my husband instead? Does it mean the end of the world? Not really. I can always clean it on another day. And, BONUS! I won't be sitting around the house binge eating. Now what I eat at the movies is a different story, but remember, I own my food choices. And if I want to feel good about myself, I won't eat the whole container of Dibs, nor the whole bag of popcorn. Or I'll do the smart thing and smuggle my own treat in. :) The point is, I'm not home making a dent in the sofa, and I'm out having a life.

I was inspired to write this blog because I read a blog article from Precision Nutrition regarding weekend overeating. If you're not familiar with Precision Nutrition, you can visit them here. I like PN because the contributors there use a common sense approach to diet and exercise, and acknowledge that a "one-size-fits-all" mentality to fitness is just not plausible.You can also find their podcast in Apple's podcast app as well. As the months go by, I will be keeping you updated on my relationship with food, as well as any progress with weight loss, plus fitness tips I have gleaned during my journey to wellness and happiness.

What is your relationship with food like right now? Enter your response in the comment section below. Until next time...

Be beautiful. Be victorious.